


dean.txt

by LaMepriseFangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, First Blade, Gen, Mark of Cain, POV First Person, Season 10 Spoilers, inner monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-15 22:51:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 40
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3464984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaMepriseFangirl/pseuds/LaMepriseFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean tells Sam that he's afraid that he's going to lose control of the Mark of Cain. Sam has things to say to Dean but doesn't know when or how to say them, so he starts to write little messages in a random text file.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. March 1

Sam doesn't know what he's doing, but he sits down at his laptop, opens Notepad, and starts typing.

* * *

 

About two weeks ago, you killed the Father of Murder. You killed Cain. I was so relieved and proud to see you walk out of there human.

We got home, I patched you up, and you tried to humor me when I said there was cause for hope but you would've been an idiot to think I didn't see through it.

I knew you were in trouble, and I gave you almost a week to come to me or Cas, but you didn't, so I started pushing.

Yesterday, you told me everything Cain said to you. At least that's what you said. I believe you, I do, but if you left anything out I hope you tell me sooner or later.

I don't think I'm going to get a chance in the near future to tell you what else I'm thinking right now, so I'm writing it down for you in case it's important later. I don't want to forget a single stupid idea or thought I have about the Mark. By the way, I'm not mad that you didn't tell me right away. Not like I was when you didn't tell me that Dad told you to save me or kill me.

Truth is, what you told me wasn't a surprise. With all the research we've done and what you told me, it's been hard not to wonder if the Mark or the Blade wants specific blood. My blood.

I don't care, Dean. We're still going to find a way for you to live with the Mark, peacefully.

* * *

 

After some thought, he closes Notepad. He almost doesn't save the file, but changes his mind at the last second.


	2. March 3

I can't believe I actually came back to this. This is such a stupid, juvenile thing to do.

When I left the room today, after you made a joke comparing yourself to a rabid dog, I went to Cas.

"I think soon Dean's going to go to you and ask you to kill him if he ever loses it again. I'm begging you now, don't kill him."

Cas nodded and promised, but the guy's a pretty bad liar. I don't know when but you already asked him. He's closer to you and you asked first, so I don't think he's going to keep his promise to me.


	3. March 8

You looked guilty and ashamed after you killed that werewolf today. But then you clammed up and refused to talk to me.

I get it. You don't like to look weak, you're afraid of what the Mark might make you do. But pushing me away isn't going to help anything.

You're lying in bed right now pretending to sleep so I can't "nag" you about how you don't sleep. Maybe I should fart a lot so you'll think that I think that you're asleep, that'll make you happy.


	4. March 9

It's Monday, March 9th. Whenever you read this, you'll remember what happened today.

That wasn't you, Dean. That was the Mark.

Stop looking at me like you're trying to say goodbye.


	5. March 20

I lied to you today.

I wasn't quiet on the way back home because of getting knocked on the head. The reason was that I did see you killing those vampires. I just had no idea what to say.

I've walked into the aftermath of the Mark's influence a few times now and that's bad enough, but today was the first time I saw

I don't know what I saw. (I sound like a vic.) That thing possesses you like a demon.

I'm not scared, Dean, not for myself. I don't think I ever will be.

But yeah, I'm fucking terrified for everyone else, including you. I saw your expression when you came out of it.

You're not a monster. You, reading this, aren't a monster and never have been. You never will be as long as you are Dean Winchester with a human soul. It doesn't matter where I am or what you've done to me. You've never done anything that you can't come back from. If you do kill me, you can even come back from that.


	6. March 31

Today was crazy.

After we got the call from Crowley, I asked Cas to give me the First Blade because I had a feeling that killing a hundreds-of-years-old witch might be tough without it. I hoped I'd be wrong and you'd never know.

You were there, you know what happened. I don't know how you knew that I had it. Maybe you can tell when it's close, I want to ask you about that.

Listen, I don't even have the Mark and I would have killed Crowley, no matter how shitty it is to turn on someone who called on you for help. (It just occurred to me that you let him throw me against the wall so I wouldn't get caught in the crossfire. Thanks, I guess, but I don't think you're that far gone.) You don't seem as happy as you should be that we finally crossed the King of Hell (and Rowena) off our hit list.

I don't know what you're up to locked in your room but I'm working on a way to ask what's going on in your head. I have a feeling it's what Cain told you. You think this is the beginning of the end. It's not. The only thing that ended was Crowley's regime.


	7. April 1

I tried to take out my frustration on a punching bag but it didn't help much after what I overheard you and Cas talking about in the kitchen this morning. Well, I heard Cas when he snapped at you, "And how do you propose I do that, Dean? Metatron tried and you turned into a demon!"

Your voice was too quiet. You probably remember Cas's next question, what would you and he tell me.

I heard you that time: "We don't. I can leave a note."

What the fuck, Dean?

I'm more pissed at you than I have been in a long time. How do you think I'd feel if I got up one morning and Cas told me that he killed you while I was asleep? What the fuck do you expect me to do? What kind of suicide note could you leave that could make any of that alright?

Usually I'd walk in on you at that point and confront you, but maybe the Mark is rubbing off or something because I was pretty sure I might punch you. No one is going to kill you and you sure as hell aren't going to go and die behind my back.


	8. April 5

I feel like a coward for backing down when we were arguing today. But I had to.

We were standing arguing about you writing a suicide note and you got this glint in your eyes. Your fists clenched.

Even if you had lost your temper, I probably could have snapped you out of it before you did much damage. But it only would have proven your point.

You just need more time to learn how to control it, Dean. Killing Crowley doesn't suddenly mean you're going to kill Cas and me. Cas is family to us. And me, well, we're us. I don't think you're capable of being the Cain to my Abel.


	9. April 12

I wrote it here already and today I told you to your face that you just need more time to learn how to control this. I know you can. Cain did, for over a hundred years. If he could do a hundred years, you can hang on long enough for us to get rid of the Mark.

Cas is still alive, that's all that matters. Close calls are going to happen.

I talked to him. He said you asked him to stay as long as he could to protect me. It's not what you meant, but because of that he plans on staying until his grace is gone no matter what happens.

I know you're desperate, Dean, but my life isn't worth more than Castiel's.

Besides, if you're still scheming to commit assisted suicide, you can still make plans with him over the phone.


	10. April 15

Know what? At this point, I think you're making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't think you're trying anymore.


	11. April 19

A few hours ago you left saying you needed to get some "special groceries." In Colorado.

Let me guess: exactly three boxes of brownie mix and more than enough pot to get an angel high as fuck. I should be annoyed that you're acting literally half your age, but I'm just glad that you're being you.


	12. April 20

Alright, my favorite part of today wasn't actually Cas being high. It was when we were laughing our asses (that word is fucked up, there are too many Ss/S's/Ses however you pluralize S, S is like octopus that way, did you ever notice that ass and butt both end with double letters? [Hey, remember when Cass {it rhymes with ass so it should be spelled like that, right?} said "hey assbutt" when he was helping you stop the Apocalypse?]) off muting Godzilla movies and playing Skrillex when they were fighting. We were totally definitely genuinely all crying by the end of Mechagodzilla. Except I think Cass probably was only laughing because we were.

I just remembered something. Not why I started writing--I forgot that. But I remember that time you got zapped into a possible future by Zachariah (except now it's the past because it was 2014 you said, right? That is so weird.) and you told me about it, you said that Cass was a stoner. So maybe fate is real: Castiel was destined to do pot.


	13. April 24

I was pissed and going to write something about it but then I read what I wrote on 4/20. We're too old to be doing that but I'm glad we did.


	14. April 28

If you're reading this you're going to wonder why I didn't write anything about what happened yesterday. I don't think I've said even five words to you.

I'll write about it tomorrow, after we've officially swept it under the rug.


	15. April 29

I've been staring at a blank screen for twenty minutes. I guess I need some more time to think about it.


	16. May 1

I'll write about the 27th soon. I still need to wrap my head around some of it.

I'm not avoiding you on purpose. Hell, a few minutes ago I saw something in your eyes that almost made me get up just to give you a hug. You wouldn't believe me if I told you this, and Cas would tell me I'm being naive, but I still believe in you.


	17. May 2

Since I'm sure as hell never saying this to your face: thanks for the condom. Fuck you.


	18. May 18

I'm still thinking about the 27th.

I got pissed at Cas today. I don't remember exactly what he said but he implied that we're going to lose this fight, that he's going to have to kill you. I shoved him against the wall and almost punched him.

I guess I should have known this all along, but I'm alone. I'm the only one who believes there's still hope for you. That scares me, alright? I can't convince you to keep trying on my own, but I'll go insane if I give up. Even after what almost happened, after what did happen, I can't just lie down and let Cas take care of it whenever you finally go too far.

I wish I knew what to say that would make you believe me and work with me. This feels like you going to hell all over again.


	19. May 22

Now that it's been almost a month since it happened, I have to sort through the series of events. (I need a drink after writing this. You might need one after reading it.)

You killed the shifter we were hunting. Then you turned around and faced me and it wasn't you anymore. All I could see was the Mark. It wanted me dead.

My blood ran cold and I started calling your name. I don't know how much gets through to you when the Mark takes over, or how much you remember, but I was shouting it over and over when you were throwing punches. It was like you couldn't even hear me. So, I made a run for it. I figured if I hid, you might cool down.

Something made me trip, I don't know what, but next thing I knew I was on the floor, face-down. When you rolled me over and started choking me, I thought that was it. Nothing was getting through to you and I wasn't strong enough to stop you.

Pretty sure I blacked out, so I don't know what made you snap out of it. All of a sudden the pressure was gone and you were just frozen on top of me.

I've never seen you so horrified. I don't think that word even does it justice. It's hard for me just remembering what you looked like.

You completely lost it, screaming my name and "No!" over and over. You were having a harder time breathing normally than I was. I don't think you could have stood if your life depended on it.

It's taken a while to be honest with myself about this, but I'm glad you dragged yourself away from me. I was lying there, gulping in air, but all I wanted to do was put as much distance between me and the Mark as possible. I was safe at that point, I knew that, but I was scared shitless anyway.

Something about all that fear felt artificial. Like something was messing with my head. I wasn't scared of you, I was scared of the thing on your arm.

Even if those weren't my feelings, I feel sick admitting that. Ashamed, I guess. I'm not supposed to ever seriously doubt my safety around you. You're my big brother. My whole life, you've been looking out for me even when I didn't want you to. Not to mention, I made my peace a long time ago. I'm ready to die and stay dead when the time comes, just not by your hand as long as you have the Mark.

I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you. I should have said something, anything, but there weren't words. I didn't even know what to think. You almost killed me, there's no getting around that. Not you-you, but the Mark-you.

I guess you texted Cas, since I didn't hear you call and you probably couldn't talk anyway. He showed up and helped me to the car.

I reminded him of his promise to me and he finally confessed that you'd already asked the opposite of him.

"Then what are you going to do?" I asked him. He replied with some mangled Cas-version of "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it."

He went and spoke with you. I still don't know whether you asked him to kill you. Either way, he didn't, and that's what I care about.

I saw you when you finally came back to the bunker. You probably thought of it too as you walked down the stairs: you looked like you did after the fight with Cain. You noticed the blood on your knuckles and headed for the sink. I remember you only turned on the hot water, then you washed your hands half a dozen times. You practically scalded yourself.

I'd already forgiven you, Dean. It was the Mark, not you. I want you to forgive yourself.

You can still learn to control this. There'll be bumps in the road, close calls, but you're not a monster and you never will be. I promise.


	20. May 25

Today was good. We cleaned out a vampire nest and you didn't lose control. We saved lives. This is what hunting is about, and if you can do it once you can do it again.


	21. June 16

It's been twelve hours since the pyre died down. You keep looking at me like you're expecting me to do or say something, but I have no idea what. What am I supposed to say to you? What am I supposed to feel? Do you want a hug or to have the ever-living shit beaten out of you? I can't tell! I don't know anything! I'm completely fucking lost!

I don't want to think about this anymore. Every time I close my eyes I see you shoving the angel blade into his throat.


	22. June 17

You know what the worst part of this is? I'm not as upset that Cas is dead as much as I'm upset that I was wrong to have faith. I feel so fucking selfish dwelling on it. I BELIEVED in you, Dean. Even though it's not your fault, all that's running through my head is that you let me down, you let Cas down.

I have to erase that if I ever show you this.

I should be scared. If Cain was right, sooner or later you'll end me. I should be worried about hunting with you, because you losing control near me will end a lot bloodier next time.

But I'm not. I shouldn't have believed in you but I still trust you to stop before it's too late. Once we remove the Mark, you can come back from this. It will always, always hurt, but it doesn't mean you're past saving.


	23. June 18

 We both know what would happen if you tried to kill yourself. Why am I so scared every time you look at me that this is the last I'm going to see of you? I can practically hear you wishing that you could end it all before anyone else you care about gets hurt.


	24. June 18 again

"How the fuck do you just sit down next to me and eat a goddamn sandwich? I murdered Cas and you're acting like it was just another 'you lost control for a second' thing, as if you're not next! Do you fucking TRUST me?!"

I ate supper in my bedroom tonight because I don't trust myself not to just put a knife in your hands and challenge you to do it. Kill me now if you're so sure you're going to do it sooner or later. Make it sooner. Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm not going to do that because I'm not sure if just holding a knife would be enough to wake something up inside you that you can't control. I still believe you can win, Dean, but I won't deny anymore that you could lose.


	25. June 22

You're right, I don't have any proof that the Mark isn't a terminal diagnosis for you. But what would you be doing in my shoes? What the fuck do you expect me to do?

Maybe it's a bad idea, but I found a possible hunt outside of Wichita. I'm trying to think of how to bring it up.


	26. July 11

I woke up in the ICU almost two weeks ago. I knew what must have happened the second I saw your face. It was the truth when I said I didn't remember anything, but now that we've been back home for a couple days I think I'm starting to.

It was that hunt in Wichita, I know that much. Vengeful spirit. You were on edge the whole time, and I didn't blame you, but I wanted so badly to prove that you're still a human being I ignored it. We dug up the body, salted and burned it. I had my back turned to you as we went back to the car, shovels in hand, so I don't know what flipped the switch. One moment you were you and the next, there was a pain in my head and I was falling.

You used the shovel. I don't need to go into details. I've survived worse.

But it doesn't really matter what you did. What's important is that you stopped. I'll heal up soon enough, and I will find a way to get that fucking thing off your arm.


	27. July 12

Like clockwork, every couple hours you find me wherever I am and ask me if I need anything. I usually say no, then you walk away and I don't see you until the next time you decide to show up. Your door is always locked.

What scares me is that you're not drinking. Not even beer. You are stone-cold sober 24/7. I didn't think anything could make you stop drinking.


	28. July 16

"Sam, what are you having nightmares about?" you ask me.

I don't know how the fuck to answer that. Do you think you're the only one scared that this is going to end with his brother dead?


	29. July 20

After what I had to do this morning, I can't stop thinking of how awful it feels.

I knew you feel like shit after the things you've done to me. Until today I hadn't experienced it myself in a long time. Even with fresh insight, though, I've got no clue what to say to you. I want to help you with something, anything, and I still can't.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I just made it a hundred times worse.

(This is what I was doing with my laptop when you went into my room to ask me to start keeping a knife on me, hidden from you.)

You told me to stop apologizing but how the hell can I do that after flinching when you came in? I'm so sorry. I do trust you, I swear to God.


	30. July 28

What I don't think you're seeing is that you HAVEN'T killed me yet. Every other time you've lost control, the other guy ended up dead. Something always stops you from killing me.

Hang on to that, Dean. Even if you never get rid of the Mark, even if you whale on me a thousand times, you're not going to kill me.


	31. August 2

It's been about a year since I brought you home and cured you of being a demon.

I wish it felt like that meant something.


	32. August 10

You fell asleep while we were watching TV and now you're sprawled over half my bed. Not that I care. I sleep better when I can hear you breathing. I always have.

I just don't know anymore. We have to come out of this in one piece, we always do. But how? What are we supposed to do? You've given up, I'm surrounded with dead ends.

Sound asleep like this, you look peaceful. It feels creepy watching you like this but I never see you relax anymore, let alone smile. I won't ask you to cheer up, knowing what's weighing down on you. What you've done, what you're afraid is going to happen. I can't blame you.

But I miss my brother.


	33. August 11

I thought it was bad that time I flinched.

I don't know how to apologize for last night. You know as well as I do that I knew it was you the whole time.

However it happened, we woke up in the middle of the night and I thought, for three seconds, you were there in my bed trying to kill me. There. That's the truth.

Pain and death is fine, it's what will happen afterwards if you kill me that worries me. It's how you're going to feel. It's not knowing if my last words will help you, whatever they are. It's what you might do afterwards.

So yeah, I'm afraid of my big brother sometimes. I'd do almost anything to hide it from you but it's too late now. You saw it. Again.

I thought I could do just one damn thing for you, make you feel like I still trusted you, but I fucked it up. I'm so sorry.


	34. August 16

I'm so fucking drunkk.

This is what, the fourth time you've almost killed me? I don't care. Bruises and cuts heal. Whiskey makes them hurt less1

Last I knew you were lying on your bed staring at the cieleing. I just want to lay down with you and tell you that I'm still here and I still love you and I forgive you.

But you'll just push me away and tell me that I'm drunk as if I don't know already. Of COURSE I am. That doesn't mean I'm lying. I'd be lying DOWN but I wouldn't be LYING.


	35. August 21

My shoulder is still soaked. This is the night you woke up from your nightmare to find me standing in your doorway and when I asked, you opened up.

I'm sitting here staring at the screen because even now I don't know what to say to you. You're the one who gives me strength, not the other way around. You told me that you're so scared of murdering me you've been trying to get up the courage to leave. So I told you, over and over, that you aren't going to murder me, that we will find a way. Together.

But it's time to be straight with you:

If you're reading this, I'm dead. I'm writing this for you to read after you kill me. I think I have been all along.

You will be the Cain to my Abel. I said the opposite before, but even when I wrote that I realized that Cain and Abel must have had what we have and it was only the Mark that allowed Cain to kill his brother. Now you have it.

It hurts like hell to think it, but you're going to do it. One of these times, you won't stop before it's too late. We've been lucky so far, but this is a battle I'm expecting to lose.

This isn't about me dying, though. It's about the Mark. It's about resisting it. Losing a battle doesn't mean you can't win the war. Cain was wrong when he told you that you would never come back from murdering me.

You're Dean Winchester. You've been telling fate and destiny to fuck themselves since forever. Even if I'm dead because of you, you don't have to let that be the end.

I'm BEGGING here: don't let this destroy you. In case I didn't get a chance to say this face-to-face, I want you to promise now that you'll use this as a reason to hold on to humanity. Promise me that you won't give into it. Whatever happened, I want my death to mean something other than the end of you fighting the Mark. Even if you already have given in when you read this, you can stop. You can come back from it. This is from beyond the grave, Dean: I still believe in you. You are not beyond saving.


	36. August 31

The last thing I remember from last night is doing a lot of drinking in the kitchen. Maybe because I wanted to forget about all this shit for an hour or two.

I know you were there, and I know you brought me to my room, because that's where I woke up, but I have no idea what I might've said to you. I'm a little worried I might have told you about this thing.

I miss hunting with you. I've done four jobs since July and I hate it more every time. Working alone makes the whole world feel off-balance. I know, you do research for me, but it feels like I'm alone.

I'm gonna stop complaining now. Soon enough it'll be over. Either you'll kill me, we'll find a cure, or something else will change.


	37. September 10

Honestly, I am thinking about killing myself.

It feels like there's nothing I can say or do to help you. You're going to kill me and it might destroy you. Unless I do it first. You can't be destroyed by a murder you never committed.

But I can't do that to you. I won't willfully leave you alone with the Mark, even though the tighter we hold on, the worse it's going to be when it happens.


	38. September 25

I don't care how long it's been since you killed me. I don't care how many people you've slaughtered or how much the Mark made you enjoy it. It doesn't matter what you've done or how much remorse you feel or don't feel. Just keep looking for a way to remove the Mark, even if it takes thousands of fucking years, and when it's gone, come home to me and I swear you'll be forgiven. Even if I don't recognize you at first, you'll always be my brother and we'll always belong right next to each other. However long it takes, no matter what you're afraid I'll think or do, just come back to me.

I don't want to be alone in Heaven any more than you want to be alone on Earth, Dean.


	39. September 29

I can't believe I'm typing this but I think I found a way to remove the Mark. It's a heavy duty cleansing ritual that should do something even if it doesn't remove the Mark entirely. The ingredients we need are tough to get but it shouldn't take more than a week. You've held on for so long, I know you can make it another few days.

I didn't think I'd ever feel this optimistic again. I can't wait to delete this file.


	40. I'm sorry.

I wish I could say reading this changed something, that it's convinced me to keep trying to resist what I've turned into.

But it's too late. There is no peace for me now, there is no going home. Killing is the only thing that lets me forget for a goddamn second what I did.

You had so much faith in me that I never deserved, you're probably telling yourself things like "he's still looking for a way" or "he's fighting it." You'd never think in a million years that I can't do the last thing you ever asked of me.

I'm so sorry, little brother.


End file.
